I just wanted to share an update about why I've been away, and may be a bit longer. Rather than try talking around it, I thought it would be more cathartic for me (and maybe others too) to be completely open.
When I walked away from my first appointment, I felt the whole event was very surreal. Having suffered a miscarriage only weeks before in July, becoming pregnant again just weeks later was surprising, and scary because of the bleeding and how it so mimicked my weeks' prior ordeal.
Being very high risk, I had the opportunity to be closely monitored; blood tests, three ultrasounds in two weeks...
When the Dr. seconded my belief that I was carrying multiples, I knew in that moment, in my heart; the familiar pain that's become distinguishable to me, I had miscarried again just two weeks before--one of my twins. He couldn't find the baby, only the hollow place where it was just beginning remained.
I've been through enough in my lifetime, that to endure and succeed over my experiences with the interminable love for life and gratitude I have, I could never allow myself to forget my great purpose in being here, or to lose hope.
With that hope, I carried on. As I reached my 7th week of pregnancy with four days and no bleeding, my hopes increased.
As I said, this was all very surreal. I wondered if all this that was happening truly belonged to me, or if I was hosting a dream whose reality would end differently than I imagined it could.
In the coming days, the tell-tale pain and pressure, bleeding, the sudden emptiness where lives were once growing... On Thursday, the ultrasound sadly confirmed that I was no longer pregnant, when only the very day before I was.
A devastating blow of reality I tried desperately all night talking myself out of believing.
I thank God for blessing me with the miracle of getting to carry and nurture these precious lives, albeit for far too short a time. And for surrounding me with angels.
I will not begin to make sense of the tragedy in living with uterine fibroids and how they've affected my life. And I cannot take for granted that, against the odds, my son Barrett was born perfect and healthy. In the midst of this, there has been immense joy.
I will allow myself the time to heal, and forgive this confounding fate I've been entrusted with.
On the other side of my broken heart, awaits a story that will speak more loudly about what I've gained than the loss. And what I continue to hold on to that can never be taken away.